


Starless

by jisungaus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Drugs, Grim Reapers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Murder, Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-19 05:30:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungaus/pseuds/jisungaus
Summary: Jisung was a boy who lived under the stars. And the stars were not always there. Just as the flare of hope within him was burning out. Jisung was tired.His future was blank.Then on Jisung's last day, on a starless night by the riverside, Hyunjin appeared.---In which Hyunjin is a grim reaper and Jisung wants to die
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 130





	Starless

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags before proceeding!

Han Jisung looked up. The stars were missing that night, it seemed. If he squinted, he could make out the faint outline of the moon through the thick layers of clouds stretched across the sky. A shame, Jisung wanted to see the constellations before he went. He was not particularly fond of them, but after months of spending his nights wandering around the silent parts of the town, he had grown accustomed to the constant patterns that the night sky displayed.

It was useless, Jisung's knowledge about these patterns. An eighteen year old boy shouldn't have had to stay outside at ungodly hours of the day. But Jisung didn't study the stars by will. For him, it was like naturally knowing the ceiling of a home he would never have again.

Sure, he had seen countless ceilings, been under different roofs, with the pitiful glances of his friends drilling through the back of his skull. He would never stay for long, even if he was allowed to. No, he would never let them bear the weight of even half of his problems. He was strong, positive and carefree. Han Jisung liked bringing happiness, and thought it was his only purpose. So at the times he stopped being able to, he would leave.

Leave, to nowhere. He never had destinations in mind. Tomorrow was a mystery. Sometimes, he would look forward to what it held for him. Jisung liked to think his life was a game, and that he was winning it. Not having somewhere to stay in for the night was a setback, sure, but not something he couldn't overcome. Han Jisung was strong, afterall.

Other times he couldn't even bare to see the future anymore. Why couldn't he have had a stable, comfortable life instead, he would wonder. He longed not having to worry about tomorrow. He was constantly fighting to live, constantly hoping for things to get better. Han Jisung was strong, but he was getting tired.

He wanted to rest. For a very long time.

The future was blank.

Today was his last day.

The stars wouldn't appear any time soon, but he didn't care. Maybe in another life, he would see them again. Or even better, maybe he would see them less.

Jisung let his eyes fall shut. He felt the gentle breeze of the wind hitting his skin, and slowly, he let himself be carried along. He would crash on the cold water after a while, and very soon the hard rocks beneath.

It didn't hurt as much as he wanted it to.

Jisung coughed as he opened his eyes.

A star had appeared.

"What… what are you doing?"

A sob.

A crying boy sat beside him. His skin was unnaturally pale, in contrast to the black coat he was wearing. He had a black fedora hat on, and underneath, wide, shaky eyes fixed on him.

He didn't look human.

"Trying to kill myself," Jisung replied. They were on the riverside, unscathed, somehow. Behind the boy, he could see the bridge he had jumped from. Maybe he was dead.

"But why?" the boy cried. He looked absolutely terrified.

"Who are you?" Jisung asked instead. The boy's lips quivered, and he looked lost for a second.

"I am a grim reaper."

At that, Jisung closed his eyes in relief. So he really died. He felt his insides burst with excitement. He made it out of his hellhole life. When he opened them again, the boy had already wiped his tears away.

"Are you gonna take my soul now?"

The boy didn't answer.

"Or am I my soul now?"

"Why did you do it?"

Jisung scrunched his brows. "What?"

"Why do you kill yourself?" A tear had escaped his eye again, and Jisung frowned. Were grim reapers supposed to be this sensitive?

"My life was shitty. I hate it."

"No you don't." The boy pouted. "Your life was beautiful."

"Have you been watching?"

"No." The boy looked thoughtful. "But all life is beautiful."

"That sounds so weird coming from a grim reaper."

The boy blushed. He seemed flustered. Suddenly a black notebook appeared in his hand, and he covered his face with it.

"So, Han Jisung, 18 years." The boy lowered the notebook. "That is very short."

"Can't you just do it?"

"I don't want to."

"What?" Unbelievable.

"I believe... there's still hope."

Jisung sat up. "Are you kidding me? Hope? I'm dead."

"No, not until I take you," the grim reaper said firmly.

"Then take me." Jisung put a hand on the ground between them, his face coming closer to the boy's. The grim reaper held his stare.

"Jisung… live."

And then the world went black.

His future wasn't blank, yet.

Han Jisung wasn't always fighting under the stars. Sometimes, whenever he was bold enough, he would go back to the one place he once called home.

As usual, the house was silent, the lights off. He cautiously walked inside, not blinking at the fact that their door was gone. As he was struggling to avoid the scattered debris on the floor, something grabbed his leg. Or rather, someone. Jisung screamed.

"Gimme," a weak voice uttered. It was his mother.

"I don't have," Jisung said, testing the waters.

"Then what the fuck are you doing here," she growled. Her grip tightened, her nails digging into his skin. "Come back here when you have it you useless piece of shit."

"I was just kidding, mom." Jisung threw the packs on the floor. His mother immediately snatched them. "Can I sleep here? Is he coming home tonight?"

His mother only hummed. Only after she had opened a pack, arranged its contents to a straight line and rolled a bill, did she answer. "He's not coming. You can sleep in your room, sweetheart." He didn't bother watching her hungrily snort it all.

His room looked like it was passed by a storm. His mother must've rummaged through his things. There was not a single pack left.

He flopped down on the bed. It was hard, but nicer than anything he had laid on for the past few weeks. He picked up a rock and put it under his pillow.

That night, he had the most comfortable sleep he had in a while. He almost dreamt, almost, until he was yanked away from his slumber.

Strong fingers wrapped around his throat, a heavy weight crushing his torso.

"You fucking scum drugged her again!"

Jisung tried to remove his hands off him, to no avail. In the background, he could faintly hear his mother's yells, "Honey, I'm sorry, I love you!"

"You should've never came back! You've done nothing but destroy our lives!" The man's face was flaming. His eyes were dark. He was ought to kill him.

Jisung managed to reach out behind him and quickly thrusted the rock to his father's temple. The man screamed in pain and let him go. Jisung rashly got up, not wasting any time. He ran away as fast as he can.

"No!" he heard his mother shout.

Before he could turn around to look, a hard object was shattering on his head. Shards of a broken vase fell around his feet, along with drops of blood. Jisung fell to the ground with a loud thud.

He was dead for sure.

A loud sob woke him up.

"Why are you crying again?" he asked the grim reaper. He was still at the house, his parents nowhere in sight.

The boy only shook his head. He hastily wiped his tears with his sleeve.

"Are you really a grim reaper?"

"Sorry, I'm just shocked."

"Aren't you supposed to be used to these things?"

He shook his head again. "You are my first case. I'm just new."

"Oh."

Jisung looked back to the first time he saw the boy. No wonder he looked so pure, like he had never seen blood being shed before. His first case had been suicide, and, assuming he didn't handle anything after that, his second had been murder. He certainly could've been given lighter deaths.

"Okay then, newbie grim reaper. Are you going to take me now?"

The boy sniffled. "No."

"I'm pretty sure you're messing things up by letting me live."

"I don't care." He pouted. He has nice lips, Jisung had just noticed. "I just can't do it."

"Take a life?"

"Yes."

Jisung wanted to groan. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel. A part of him pitied the boy for having a job that was too cruel, and another part frustrated that he couldn't just have his rightful death.

"What are you planning to do now?" Jisung asked.

The grim reaper thought for a moment. "Will you be mad if I let you live again?"

Jisung stared at him for a moment. He's too precious for this job.

"Really? You're asking me that?"

"I can't just kill you…"

"Silly. My father killed me, not you."

At that, the grim reaper flinched. Jisung felt a pinch of guilt. Were grim reapers supposed to look this vulnerable?

"Your father is a bad person."

"I know."

"You don't deserve this."

Jisung smiled sadly. "It's just the way life is."

The grim reaper looked down, biting his lip. He looked so genuinely crushed that Jisung wanted to protect. The black notebook from before suddenly materialized in his hands, before it vanished again. And then it appeared again, and then it was gone, and so on. Jisung sat up with a groan.

"You know, you can let me live this time. I won't be mad." He felt ridiculous saying that.

"Really? But what about your father?"

"I can just… not go home until you become take me. And besides, my mom wouldn't let me step inside the house without giving her the drugs anyway."

"What are these drugs? Is it hard to acquire them?" the grim reaper asked innocently.

"Not hard just… dangerous, I guess. And it's too expensive."

The grim reaper huffed. "I don't understand. Why does your mother need these drugs if they're dangerous to get?"

Jisung sighed. Was he really about to open up to a complete stranger?

He never opened up to anyone, not even to his closest friends. Han Jisung was only supposed to be strong, positive and carefree. No one was supposed to know him behind the smiles and jokes he threw around.

But then again, this boy had seen him in his worst state. If anything, this boy had only seen him in his worst state. Jisung figured he's got nothing to lose.

He could only hope the young grim reaper could take it.

"It was my fault. I was a drug pusher. We were poor, we needed money, and there's good money in drug pushing. I sneaked in drugs to the house. My mother found them and got addicted. My father blamed me for it and kicked me out of the house, not after a good beating of course."

The grim reaper covered his mouth. "Oh god."

"Since then I was homeless. That was three years ago, and I have only visited home about five times since."

"Then where do you sleep?"

"Anywhere. At friend's, at shops, even at school. When there's really nowhere to go I just wander around the streets."

"No other relatives?"

"No other relatives."

The grim reaper bit his lip harder. "How about the police? Can't they help?"

"Oh I wouldn't want the police to get involved." Jisung grinned. "I do illegal things y'know."

"I give up!" The boy declared. "I'll take you now!"

Jisung's eyes widened. "Wait I said you don't have to!"

The black notebook made its appearance again. "But this sucks, this is too much. This is not beautiful. You don't deserve-"

"Hey. Stop it."

"But-"

"Calm down," Jisung said, his voice soft.

The grim reaper shut his mouth close.

"You're not ready. Don't worry about it. I'm strong."

The boy's eyes shone with admiration. "You are. You are so strong to be able to continue holding up yourself for so long."

Jisung felt his heart swell. This boy may be a grim reaper on the outside, but his heart was that of an angel's.

"Thank you."

The grim reaper only smiled. It was the prettiest smile Jisung has ever seen.

"So long, Jisung. Live."

It took a while before they met again. Jisung wasn't planning on seeing him again any time soon after their last. Talking to the innocent grim reaper gave Jisung the strength he needed to take on life, and he held onto it to live a year more.

Maybe finally opening up to someone was all he needed all along. But Jisung wouldn't admit that.

He believed he could survive on his own.

He couldn't.

And so, after a year, on another starless night, he found himself back on the bridge. He closed his eyes. And then he jumped.

There was no sob to wake him this time.

"Hello."

Jisung opened his eyes. He sat up. The grim reaper was standing beside him, eyes shining. Had he always been this tall when standing?

"Hi."

The grim reaper smiled. He looked so… different yet still the same. His face was relaxed, posture composed. His eyes weren't shaky as they stare at his anymore, yet they still held the same spark.

"We meet again," the grim reaper greeted.

"Are you happy?"

"Not really."

"Why?"

"It's never happy to take people's souls."

Jisung's brows quirked up. "So you're taking me now?"

The grim reaper stared at him for a moment, and then his hand was fishing something out from the inside of his coat. They were two black latex gloves. Jisung watched the other slip his fingers inside them. He was about to question it when Hyunjin spoke first.

"Why are you here?"

Hyunjin clenched and unclenched his fist, trying to get used to the constricting material. Jisung made a mental note to ask about them later. For now, he considered telling him how he messed up his own life, but decided against it.

"I wanted to see you."

At this, the grim reaper's cheeks flared up. Suddenly he held up an all-too-familiar notebook to cover his face.

"Now that's my newbie grim reaper."

Jisung couldn't see it, but he knew the boy blushed even more. The grim reaper ended up sitting beside him, much like how he did the previous year. His curious eyes searched Jisung's empty ones. He frowned.

"Had life been too hard on you again?"

"Life is always hard on me."

"Then what's wrong this time?"

Jisung took a breath.

"I fucked up my relationships."

Hyunjin tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"I… pushed them all away. And they're hurting. Because of me. They're better off without me."

"But why would you push them away?"

"I didn't want to burden them with me."

"I see."

The grim reaper didn't look shaken up. He looked at the sky instead. He didn't ask any more questions.

"You changed," Jisung pointed out.

"How so?"

"You're not so emotional anymore."

The grim reaper smiled lightly. "This job is really numbing."

"Do you sit one-on-one with the other dead souls like this?"

"No." The grim reaper looked at him. "Only you."

Jisung hadn't expected that.

"Why?"

"You were my first, and you taught me a lot. After our last talk I realized that life is not all that beautiful like I thought. It made taking souls a lot easier."

"What happened to your third case?"

"It was a suicide case. I gladly took her soul."

"Without talking to her?"

"We are not really… supposed to talk to the souls like this."

"You aren't supposed to let souls go either."

"Yeah."

"Won't you take me today?"

The grim reaper's eyes reflected the light of the stars. Jisung didn't notice when the stars started appearing.

"Something tells me what you're seeking for is comfort, not death."

A tear fell. Not from the grim reaper.

"Jisung, you're so strong. The strongest person I've ever met. But even the strongest warriors fall.

"Let yourself fall. It's okay, they'll catch you. You're not a burden. It's what they're here for."

Jisung wiped his tears. "Okay."

"And it's okay to cry too. You're human."

Jisung didn't miss the way the grim reaper's eyes glassed over.

Before he could say something, everything blacked out.

"Jisung… live."

The next time they met was much sooner. The grim reaper was surprised to find himself back on the riverside barely a day after.

"I forgot to ask you something," Jisung started.

"What is it?" Once again, the grim reaper pulled out the gloves from his inside pocket. Jisung clicked his tongue.

"Two things, actually."

The grim reaper raised a brow at him.

"What's with the gloves?"

"Ah, this?" The boy raised his hands, one of them still half undone. "It's grim reaper fashion."

Jisung looked at him in disbelief. Then he fell into a fit of giggles. "Grim reaper fashion? That's a thing?"

The grim reaper finished on putting the black material, lightly laughing along. "Yeah. Does it look good?"

"No. I love seeing your bare hands more."

The grim reaper frowned. "Don't say that. I went out of my way to buy this."

Jisung giggled again. "You're ridiculous."

"Yeah, well." The boy grinned. "This uniform is getting boring, don't you think?"

Jisung gave him a look over. From his black fedora hat resting on his black hair, to his black coat over his black turtleneck, to his black pants, black socks and black leather shoes, and then to the new addition, the black gloves. The grim reaper still looked absolutely stunning in it despite seeing him in the exact same fit several times.

"No. I think it suits you really well. I can't imagine you wearing any other outfit. Though I bet you'd look good in casual clothes."

"Like the one you're wearing?"

Jisung glanced down at himself. He was just wearing an old, oversized beige sweater and trousers, paired with a pair of worn down sneakers. He mentally cringed at his outfit, but to his defense, it wasn't like he's got much of a choice.

"Nah. I got a feeling that if you were to live in my world, you'd be very fashionable."

The grim reaper's eyes shimmered. "Really? What made you say that?"

"You just… give off the vibe."

The grim reaper hummed, nodding his head slowly. There was a moment of silence before the grim reaper was speaking again. "What's the other question?"

"What's your name?"

The stars twinkled above them.

"Name?"

"Yes. I'm tired of calling you newbie grim reaper in my head." And it was true. Jisung spent a lot of time thinking about the boy the day before, and the lack of a proper name to associate him with greatly bothered him.

"You jumped off a bridge just to ask me my name?" The grim reaper gave him an incredulous look.

"Yes. And also the gloves."

The grim reaper shook his head. "I'm not telling you."

"Oh come on!"

Jisung puffed out his cheeks. The grim reaper chuckled. "You're getting too comfortable with dying."

"I've been wanting to die for a year now. But guess who keeps stopping me." Jisung crossed his arms.

The grim reaper chuckled again. Jisung thought it sounded really nice.

"It's Hyunjin."

"Hyunjin." Jisung tested. It was perfect.

In a blink, the notebook was out and Hyunjin was hiding his face behind it again. Jisung laughed.

"Why are you embarrassed?"

"This is the first time someone else said my name," Hyunjin murmured. Jisung perked up.

"Don't you talk to other grim reapers?"

"We don't tell each other our names."

"Why?"

"Because it gives us the power to kill each other." A black pen materialized in Hyunjin's hand, and he held it up beside the notebook. "By writing each other's names here. It's the only thing that can kill us."

Jisung gasped. "That's so…"

"Dark?"

"Cool." Jisung's eyes lit up in curiosity. "What happens when you die though? Do you meet another grim reaper?"

Hyunjin hummed. The notebook vanished from his hands. "No."

"Then what?"

"Much like humans, we don't know how we die either. So I can't answer."

Jisung nodded. "Makes sense." He turned to his side and looked deep into the grim reaper's black orbs. There was still a faint tinge of pink painted on his cheeks. "I really want to know more about you."

"About grim reapers?"

"No. About you."

"There's nothing much."

"Then I want to know it all."

His eyes fell to Hyunjin's lips as it parted ever so slightly. His cheeks were flushed bright red, the color easily standing out against his snow white skin. His slightly long black hair fell on his forehead, the strands swaying lightly with the wind. He really was ethereal.

However Jisung's view was immediately obstructed by the notebook. It was endearing, the way Hyunjin got so shy too easily. But the obnoxious black thing was getting annoying by now.

"Can you stop covering your face?"

"Can you stop saying those things?"

"You're so cute."

"Stop!"

Behind the notebook, Jisung could see Hyunjin's ears flaming up. Jisung feared that his heart was going to combust.

"Tell me about yourself."

"I told you there's nothing much."

"Then just tell me whatever."

Hyunjin collected himself for a moment before he was lowering down the notebook.

"I don't remember anything before I saw you jumping off the bridge."

Jisung gawked. Hyunjin's first memory as a grim reaper was him committing suicide.

"Don't you remember your, uh, past life? Where did your name come from?"

"I don't know. All I knew when I woke up was that my name is Hyunjin and that I'm a grim reaper. All the other rules just appeared in my head as time passed by."

"I'm sorry," Jisung said, sincerely.

"For what?"

"Not making your first case better."

Hyunjin chuckled. "There's nothing much you can do. And besides, don't you think it's amazing that I was born on the right time to catch you? If I wasn't your grim reaper, you'd be dead by now."

"Right, it's not everyday that I'd have a crying boy as the first thing I see after I die," Jisung teased.

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. Before he could say anything else, something seemed to stir in him. He pulled his sleeve and looked at his wrist watch. Even the leather of the watch was black.

"Ah, I have a soul appointment in five."

"Can't you just not go?"

"No!" Hyunjin glared at him. "I've already messed up by letting you live again and again."

"But I don't wanna go back yet," Jisung pouted.

"Why?" Jisung didn't answer. "Your friends?" He nodded.

"Jisung, I don't know why you're being so hard on yourself, when you have people around you." There was sadness in Hyunjin's eyes. "Let them help you. You opened up to me right?" Jisung nodded. "There's only so much I can do. But your friends, they're the ones who are there in your life."

Jisung didn't want to close his eyes. But he did.

"Let yourself fall. Jisung, live."

"How did it go?"

"It went good, really."

"Then what took you so long? I was worried." Hyunjin crossed his arms. He was frowning on him. He seemed genuinely upset. Jisung eyed his already gloved hands.

Jisung gently smiled. "They caught me about to jump off the bridge. Didn't let me go near it ever since."

At that, Hyunjin's face relaxed.

"That's… nice."

"I didn't think you'd want to see me again," Jisung teased. It had only been a little over a week.

"You're the only one I can talk to, okay."

"I thought you talked with the other grim reapers?"

"They're so boring. Especially the older ones. I might as well be talking to a rock."

Jisung laughed. "So that's why you're not taking me."

"I like talking to you."

Hyunjin blushed. Jisung tried not to coo.

"I'll come see you then. Every week."

At that, Hyunjin quickly retracted what he said, saying that he was perfectly fine and that Jisung should just enjoy living. But Jisung only shushed him. They fell on a comfortable setup. Every week, Jisung would jump off a bridge (secretly) in order to keep the grim reaper company. His life was getting better. And he was telling every bit of it to Hyunjin.

Jisung liked the look of wonder on the young grim reaper's eyes every time he would tell him his stories. Hyunjin was expressive. He wasn't afraid to show reactions not just through his facial expressions, but through his whole body. Jisung felt a sense of pride every time he made Hyunjin fall down in laughter. Not that it was a hard feat to do.

Jisung's life had so much to offer that Jisung never ran out of something to tell. It was miserable, but he would always find a way to tell them in the most humorous way. For the first time in forever, he thanked the gods for having such a thrilling life.

He was telling the story of how he met his first ex when it happened.

"Love?" Hyunjin had cut him off. Jisung turned around and looked at the grim reaper who had stopped walking.

"He was the only one I truly ever loved." Jisung repeated bitterly. "Everyone who came after were just substitutes for him."

"Tell me more about him." Hyunjin walked to the children's swing not too far away. He sat happily and patted the seat next to him.

"He was selfless," Jisung started, sitting next to him. Hyunjin listened attentively. "Always thinking of others that he forgets to take care of himself. It's how I met him."

Hyunjin hummed, swinging himself lightly.

"Living in the poor side of the town, I grew up in a violent environment. The officials didn't really care about us, so everyone does whatever they want to do. Drugs, prostitution, gambling. Violence was a norm.

"I was already kicked out at that time. I was walking in the streets when five men surrounded me. They were drunk, beat me up for no reason. They were going to kill me. But then he stepped in. He smashed a bottle of beer on one of the men's head. He was beat up in return, but luckily they left when they realized he's not as weak. Then he proceeded to take care of me."

"Wow," Hyunjin muttered.

"It was ridiculous. He was ridiculous. He didn't know me, so why would he risk his life for me? It was the greatest act of kindness I've ever received. And maybe I fell in love with him too quick. But I fell hard.

"He let me stay in his house. His mother was just as kind. Though she was sick. I learned that he grew up to be as caring because he's been taking care of his mother for a very long time. I helped him with her with the best that I could. She was paralyzed, but they didn't have any money for treatment. That's why he's so passionate with his studies. He's determined to take her to the hospital one day, and get them out of poverty.

"As I learned more about him, I just fell in love deeper and deeper. Whenever we were together, I felt like I could take on the world. He made everything seem so much better. One day I confessed, and I didn't expect him to return my feelings. It was the happiest day of my life."

When he looked at Hyunjin, the boy was smiling at him. The moonlight was hitting his face at the right spots. Jisung found himself staring.

"That's beautiful," Hyunjin said. For a moment, Jisung thought he was talking about himself.

"No. It's not. He didn't really love me."

Hyunjin's smile faded. "What do you mean?"

"He didn't want to reject me. So he suffered in silence, pretending that he did love me back. He's that selfless."

It was silent.

"I hate him so much." Jisung's voice cracked.

"You have every right to."

"I just felt so disgusting. Am I unlovable?"

"No, what are you saying?" Hyunjin frowned harder.

"All my life, I've never been loved. And I thought that he-" The first tear fell. Jisung was quick to wipe it.

"Jisung…"

"I just wanted...to be wanted."

Jisung weeped. He buried his face in his hands as he sobbed. The hole in his heart was gaping, the pain of the memories of his first love crushing him. No one would ever love him. He would always be just that one frail boy to pity upon. Pathetic. Miserable. Pitiful.

A loud thud pulled him out of his anguish. Hyunjin was on the ground, clutching his chest. Jisung immediately reached out.

"Are you o-"

"Go away!" The grim reaper yelled.

Jisung flinched back.

"I'm f-fine." Hyunjin curled on the ground, his face contorting in pain.

"What's happening?" Jisung murmured. Hyunjin definitely didn't look fine. Jisung didn't know what to do.

Hyunjin's mouth opened. "Jisung…"

"What? What can I do?"

Jisung was panicking. Hyunjin looked like he was running out of breath.

"Live."

Jisung had long buried whatever it was that he had with his first love. It hurt, a lot. But his life was drilled with so many problems that he'd sometimes forget.

Forget his gentle eyes as he took care of him, his strong arms around him as he carried him, his soft lips against his forehead, his soothing voice as he sang him to sleep.

No, Seo Changbin didn't love him.

It was all pity and selflessness.

Jisung thought he had already forgotten. But now, standing in front of him, all the memories started to flood again.

Changbin looked a lot different from when he last saw him. He grew taller, his features more defined and his body a little buffer. He looked better now. Good for him.

"Jisung-ah," was all the older said before he was pulling Jisung into his arms.

Changbin took him to a nice-looking cafe. Jisung didn't recognize anything in the menu.

"My treat," the older winked.

Jisung didn't eat. "How's your mother?"

Changbin stopped sipping his brewed coffee. He put down the cup. Then he broke down.

Changbin's mother died two years ago. Right after they broke up.

Jisung waited until he calmed down. After that, they talked. About themselves, about the past.

It was a closure long overdue.

Jisung smiled as he ran along the rails of the bridge. He couldn't wait to tell Hyunjin the good news. He excitingly stepped over the railing. Before he could jump off, someone gripped his wrist.

It was his father.

"Your mother… I sent her to rehab." Jisung's eyes slowly widened. They had no money. "I've been saving up for it."

His father lightly pulled at his arm, his expression tired but soft. "You can come home now."

After getting his things from his friend's house, Jisung told his father that he'd get some fresh air. He didn't bother looking at the stars. The moment he reached the bridge, he wasted no time to jump.

"Hyunjin," Jisung blurted out the moment he regained consciousness. He frowned when the other's face was not the first thing he saw. He scanned the surroundings. Jisung's frown deepened when he saw Hyunjin standing about ten feet away, looking at him with an unreadable expression.

"What are you doing there? C'mere." Jisung patted the space next to him. Hesitantly, the boy drew closer. Jisung knew something was wrong.

"Hey," Hyunjin greeted as he settled down inches away from him. Still not close enough.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." The grim reaper licked his lips. "Why did you come?"

Jisung scrunched his brows at him. "What do you mean 'why did you come?' I regularly come here." Jisung's worry was increasing. Images of Hyunjin curled up and twisting in pain was rushing back to him. "Are you okay? What was that about last week?"

"I am okay." Hyunjin looked weird, like he was in the middle of an internal debate.

"No you're not. Tell me what's wrong."

Hyunjin swallowed the lump in his throat. Jisung watched as Hyunjin's mouth opened to utter a word, only to end up closing it again. After a long minute of hesitation, he spoke.

"Jisung… your time has long been up."

The statement felt like the whole world crashing down. He felt his heart drop. Was Hyunjin experiencing the consequences of letting him live? How long had that been going on?

The questions didn't make it out of his mind. Instead, what came out was a weak, broken, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Hyunjin was quick to answer. "Don't ever be sorry for being given a chance to live."

Jisung's heart ached.

"But you're suffering."

"I'm okay," Hyunjin said for the second time that day, but this time, with a smile. For the first time since he met him, Jisung hated that smile.

"No you're fucking not."

Jisung was seeing red. Was Hyunjin crazy? How dare he suffer in silence while Jisung's life get better. How dare he risk himself only to let Jisung live. And how dare he look like he wasn't regretting any of it.

"Please don't be mad at me," Hyunjin pleaded.

"Why are you doing this?" It was a demand. Jisung's expression must've been dark because Hyunjin looked terrified.

"I-I don't know…" Hyunjin avoided his glare. Instead, his eyes settled on his lap, on his fiddling hands. His eyes slightly widened when he realized he was still bare-handed. He hastily scrambled for his coat pockets.

Jisung snorted. "Really? You're going to put those damn gloves on, now?" In his anger, Jisung grabbed his wrist. Which was a wrong move.

"Don't touch me!"

In a flash, Hyunjin was pulling away harshly. And then he was standing ten meters away from him again, cradling his hands to his chest. In his eyes, Jisung could see tears slowly forming.

His heart broke to see Hyunjin like this.

"I'm sorry."

"I know I shouldn't have done it." Hyunjin's voice cracked. Heavy tears started to roll down his cheeks, and Jisung wanted so badly to reach out. But Hyunjin was far away. And it was all his fault. "I should've taken you the first time I saw you."

Hyunjin bit his lip. He was desperately trying to wipe his tears, but they just kept on falling.

"I should've taken you the second time, too. And the third. And the fourth," he continued. "Actually, I should be doing it now, too. But I can't. Because I know you now."

And then Hyunjin's knees gave out. He fell to the ground miserably as he sobbed, hard. His fedora hat fell on his side, rolling away. His fists clenched around the grass tightly.

"How can I take you now that I know so much about you? How can I take you now that all I want is to know you more? To hear you more? To _feel_ you more?" The grim reaper clutched his chest as he looked at him in the eye. "How can I take you now that you've made me feel alive?"

"Hyunjin, I-"

"How can I take you when you say my name like that? Like I'm a person to confide in and not a grim reaper to take your soul? Jisung, tell me."

"I'm so so sorry." Jisung didn't know when he started crying.

"I said don't be sorry," Hyunjin cried. "This is all my fault."

"No, it's not. Don't put all the blame to yourself." Jisung's throat felt tight, but he tried to force the words out. "I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. I shouldn't have kept jumping off that bridge because I know you wouldn't take me. I shouldn't have kept seeing you."

"I don't regret seeing you. Please don't say that." Hyunjin's expression softened, his face no longer crumpled in frustration. Suddenly he was looking at Jisung with so much emotion that it made him feel weak. "You're a wonderful person, Jisung. It may not show now, but I'm sure, good things wait for you in the future. And I want you to experience that. I want you to live long enough until it gets better. I want you to know how it's like to win against the challenges life throws at you. I want you to get a taste of your prize for being so strong. Because you deserve it. The only thing I regret, however," Hyunjin looked at him tenderly, and then he continued, with a soft voice, "is not being there to hear it from you."

And that was the last straw before Jisung was bawling his eyes right there, right in front of the man who caused it, and right under the stars which witnessed everything that unfolded. They wailed together, but not quite close, their broken hearts reaching across the space between them, grieving for the times that would have but won't anymore.

Hyunjin had become the one constant thing in Jisung's life. He had become his anchor when things shifted rapidly. When Jisung had given up on his life, Hyunjin was there to pick him back up, to tell him the things he needed to hear and to listen to the things he needed to let out. It was scary how Hyunjin established a place in his life, and Jisung was now only starting to realize how big of a hole he would leave if they were ever torn apart. And the thought of being torn apart never once crossed his mind. He had gotten too used to Hyunjin that he just thought that he'd always be there. Because Hyunjin felt like a person more than every person he had ever met, but he was not and Jisung had long forgotten that. He had forgotten that Hyunjin was supposed to take away his life because just as how Jisung made Hyunjin feel alive, the grim reaper brought Jisung a reason to not die.

And that was to keep seeing the good things his life has yet to offer.

"Can I come close?"

Hyunjin looked up to him for a moment, and then nodded. Jisung slowly crawled up to him until they were only a mere inch apart. Hyunjin still had his hands planted to the ground, his tears endlessly falling to the grass. Jisung raised a hand to soothe him, but then remembered how the boy reacted to his touch a while ago.

"Can I touch you?" Jisung softy asked. Hyunjin kept on sobbing, and it took another long minute before he was whispering a soft "yes, please do."

Jisung let his fingers comb through the soft black strands of his hair. It was just as smooth as he imagined. He patted the top of his head, giving his scalp a light massage, before his hand fell to his back, drawing soothing circles on it. He noticed Hyunjin trying to hold back his sobs.

"Hey, it's okay. You can keep crying."

And he did. Hyunjin rested his head on his chest, sobbing loudly as Jisung held him. Jisung teared up silently as well, the sight of Hyunjin breaking down in his arms crushing his heart.

Eventually Hyunjin's sobs faded into weak sniffles, until he was just leaning on Jisung.

"You okay now?" Jisung asked.

Hyunjin nodded against his chest.

Slowly, Jisung's hands made their way to his cheeks. He raised the grim reaper's head so that he was looking straight into his eyes. The emotions in them have died down a little, but instead it was replaced by a calm, comfortable spark.

Jisung's thumbs wiped at the remaining traces of tears.

"I heard that if you touch a grim reaper, you'll die."

Hyunjin shook his head. "Only the hands."

"Is that why you wear gloves?"

"So I don't accidentally kill you."

Jisung remembered the first time he saw him pulling them from his coat pockets. It was on their third meeting, one year after their second, one year after Jisung first opened up to him.

"Hyunjin, had you been waiting for me?"

The grim reaper bit his lip. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to know what happened to you. After you told me about your parents I couldn't stop thinking about whether it got better for you or not." Hyunjin paused. "But that won't happen now. I won't wait for you this time. Don't come see me again, Jisung."

Jisung saw that coming. He really did, but he still asked.

"What do you mean?"

Hyunjin was about to say something, but instead it came out as a cough. Hyunjin broke away from his hold as blood sputtered from his mouth to the grass beside them. His hands immediately flew to cover his lips.

"Hyunjin, what is happening?" Jisung asked panickedly. The grim reaper bent over, hands on his chest and mouth as he continued to cough blood.

"I-I'm okay, just," another cough, "be happy."

No.

"No! How about you?!"

No.

This must be some cruel nightmare. No, this was not happening.

And then it hit him that this was going to be the last time he's seeing Hyunjin.

"I will be okay, d-don't worry about me." Jisung watched in horror as more blood rolled down on the back of his hands, and on the side of his neck. "This won't kill me, so please. Please live."

"No no no no I won't be leaving you like this, Hyunjin you can't send me off like this-"

"I'm sorry. Jisung." A sharp pain must've struck him because Hyunjin suddenly screamed in agony. He reached out a gloved hand to hold Jisung's shaking one. It looked like it took the grim reaper all his strength to say his next words.

"L-live… and be well."

"No!"

Hyunjin smiled at him for the last time.

Hyunjin was the star that appeared in the starless sky.

Han Jisung looked up. The stars were missing that night, it seemed. If he squinted, he could make out the faint outline of the moon through the thick layers of clouds stretched across the sky. A shame, Jisung wanted to see the constellations. He was not particularly fond of them, but after years of spending his nights under a roof instead of under the sky, he had almost forgotten the constant patterns that the night sky displayed.

Almost. Because at nights like these, when he felt like the hole in his heart was gaping and he couldn't breathe, he'd come to the one place that would calm him down the most.

There was something about being under the stars that made him feel at ease. It reminded him of the times when he'd only stare at them simply because he was too tired to do anything else.

Just like what he was doing now. Except, it was only a void of darkness above.

Jisung's eyes wandered down. There, beside the streaming water and the hard rocks that killed him multiple times, on the riverside, was an all-too-familiar place.

His _home_.

Or at least, that's what it used to be.

Now, it was just an empty space, one that held distant memories that would never come back. Yet Jisung was drawn to it. The hole in his heart was gaping wide, and the stars weren't there to calm him down.

Jisung pulled away from the railing. And then he let his feet take him.

This was not the first time he went to the riverside, but still, it never failed to overwhelm him. He sat by the usual place he used to wake up to. If he imagined enough, he would see a tall, pale boy sitting beside him, wearing the prettiest smile he had ever seen.

Jisung let his eyes fall shut.

Hyunjin had told him his life was beautiful when it had been the ugliest. The innocent, tearstained grim reaper who knew nothing barged into his life at the last second and decided it wasn't over for him yet. As if it wasn't enough, he became Jisung's emotional bedrock, always there to listen to him about whatever life decided to throw at him.

Jisung thought Hyunjin was the one good thing the world had in store for him.

His life never actually got better. He gained back a house and lost his home. He got his closure for a long expired love and loved again.

The world truly hated him.

Hyunjin was wrong. Good things weren't waiting for him.

He felt a sharp pang in his chest. His hands clenched over it.

But still, he would live. Because that's what Hyunjin wanted. Because that's what Hyunjin told him to do.

He still had a long way to go. Maybe, somewhere along the way, life would be kind to him. Maybe, somewhere along the way, he'd find the happiness Hyunjin told him he deserved.

Another pang.

Then Jisung was curling on the ground, mouth opening to gasp for air. But it wasn't coming. His throat constricted and suddenly all air was being sucked out of him.

_"Live… and be well."_

No. He needed to breathe.

Jisung let out a silent scream.

If only… he could take a breath.

Just one breath.

The world went black.

And then there's a loud thud.

"Hyunjin?"

Someone sat down beside him, back facing him. He could hear his heavy breathing and coughing, could see his shoulders rapidly rising up and down.

He couldn't see his face but he knew it's him.

His Hyunjin. Jisung felt his eyes burn with tears.

Hyunjin was the star that appeared in the starless sky and now he's here.

Jisung put a hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly the boy fell back to him limply, and Jisung screamed. Hyunjin was terrifyingly light. There was faded blood all over the bottom half of his face, as well as his neck and hands. His lips had lost its color, and his veins were black.

"Jisung… what are you doing here?" His voice was strained, like it took him great effort to just let the words out. His eyes were unfocused as he stared back at Jisung's alarmed ones.

"Hyunjin, what happened to you?" Jisung quickly cradled him in his arms.

"I told you… not to come see me."

"I didn't! I swear I didn't, but I felt this sharp pain in my chest, and I've been feeling it for a while now-"

And then realization dawned on him.

His time was up. This was as long as Hyunjin could allow him to live.

His hold on him tightened.

"Jisung."

"Hmm?"

"Live. Jisung, live. Jisung, live. Jisung…" He let out a choked sob. "Live."

It won't work. Jisung shushed him.

"Oh, Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin." He brushed a stray strand of hair away from his face. "Hey, it's okay."

"It's not! Why are you here?" Hyunjin screamed.

"My time is up," he replied with the softest voice. "It's okay, Hyunjin."

The grim reaper only cried harder.

"But I want you to live longer."

"It's okay," he repeated. "We're okay."

Hyunjin was sobbing into his hands. So, gently, he took ahold of his wrists and moved them away. Hyunjin immediately looked up, horrified. He held one of his bare hands and intertwined their fingers. Jisung felt his skin burn unpleasantly at the contact, but paid it no mind. Hyunjin watched in horror as Jisung's fingers started to dissipate into small particles. Jisung used that as an opportunity to press closer, until their lips were touching. Until his lips were no more.

"Thank you," Jisung whispered.

_For making my life worthwhile._

And then Han Jisung was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on  twitter 


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